Shintoism, Buddhism, Shamanism, Catholicism, Christianity… Just a few options I’ve thrown about in my mind. Recently I’ve been pondering my beliefs and trying to figure myself out. I know a lot of people believe that I should just follow my own beliefs but I feel lost and floating. I need something solid, ya know? Something I can take and then mold to what I believe. I mean, I would love to consider myself Christian or Catholic (I dunno the difference) but I do not believe that God would consider someone like me as anything worth while. I’m sure God doesn’t associate with monsters like me. I don’t want to be part of a religion that mainly condemns people like me to a fiery pit of destruction. I believe if a person truly tries to be good, they will be rewarded. We all fuck up and have our odd quirks. I dunno. I’m too violent for Buddhism and Shintoism and Shamanism I don’t know too much about. I mean, I like the nature aspect since I highly revere nature and all but I dunno if it has the structure I need if that makes any sense. I’m also not someone to just blindly follow something and just accept it as is. I’m just, not like that. I question things too much to do that. I would not be one of those church going people since, well, churches have always bothered me. I’ve just never felt comfortable or accepted in them. I know people are judging me left and right in there and it’s just… not safe in my mind for someone like me.
I dunno. I’ve been pondering this for awhile now, ever since my mate and I discussed religion and beliefs and all. I just don’t know where to turn or what I know. I really need time to just get away and have me, meditation time but, due to school and the like, I’m not gonna get that. Without a camera, I really don’t even have an excuse to go in the woods since my parents question what I do and all. I dunno what to do, where to turn, or who to talk to since I don’t believe my mate is really… I dunno the words to describe it. He’s just not the religious type. I also don’t want to talk to people in fear of them shoving their religion down my throat saying that their religion in the right answer and all.
Who knows what I’m gonna do. This is just one pressure on my psychie I really don’t need at the moment but it’s there anyway,
I need to get the fuck out of here.
This was a comment to a friend’s LJ post….
I know how you feel to a point. I’m starting to break down myself, mentally and physically. My arthritis is spreading to my wrists and hands making writing in my AP classes hard. Just taking basic notes is a chore. I can’t comprehend as much as I used to. I fade in and out. I don’t know what I am doing or going to do. I am moody and emotional, often snapping at people and getting flustered with them too easily. I break down and cry over almost everything, at the smallest point of disapproval. My parents are up my ass about college and how I want to go out of state and not to some Ivy League knock up school. All my hard work is for a bum cause, I didn’t need to do it. I feel lost and confused. My relationship is feeling the strain of my mental instability. I was starting to get better with army things but recently anything has made me upset. I see commercials for anything army related and get extremely upset. I sit in my room all day and do nothing. My hips and knees hurt daily, making just walking around my school hard. My urges are getting harder and harder to supress. I find myself wanting to do nothing more than shove my nose in a book about serial killers and serial rapists and soak it all up. I’m not sure if I am just fasicnated by them or if it is some deep connection I feel with what they do and how they act. My sexism is getting worse and worse, spiraling out of control. I find myself eyeing women, wondering what they look like naked, what they would look like if I got a hold of them, ways to woo them into my room to have my way, whether if be with charms or drugs. I find myself grinding my teeth and pulling my hair. I’m begging for attention more and more, I’m slowly slipping away at the same time, becoming detached from everyone except my mate. I feel like a caged animal, a caged, posionous, dangerous animal. I occasionally believe the only way to make it stop is to end it all. I rant and rave and make no sense. I bear my heart to my mate who can do nothing to help me and I realize it and it only drives my crazier. I’m a spiral, going down down down. My mate wants me to see someone but I refuse to approach my parents and I refuse to talk to anyone. I don’t want to be drugged up and hiked away in a straight jacket to be holed away because I am a danger to society. I want to live a normal, happy life with my family but I know it will never happen. He thinks maybe having a female in our relationship will help with my urges, my cravings, my yearnings, but I am only scared for the poor soul that may get caught up in one of my lusts. I’m scared of what will happen. I craved a fight, I crave a brawl. I find myself on edge, more likely to try to poke someone into taking a swing or placing myself in a situation where violence with beget violence. It’s insane, and all I have to do is sit in my room and dwell on my thoughts, driving myself deeper and deeper into this inescapable black hole…
Not to mention I’ve been gaining rapid weight due to stress and depressive eating habits.
Recently I’ve noticed when I try to hand write something it feels awkward and hard and it hurts. It’s like it’s completely new to me and it’s just weird. I don’t know why it’s like this. It’s not like I haven’t written in awhile. It’s so odd, I can’t figure out what would cause this.
*sighs* My parents are pissed at me since I don’t want to go to an Ivy League school. They are pissed at me for wanting to be an ACO. They are pissed at me for not knowing where I am going. They are pissed at me for everything. This is why I never tell them anything.
However, I’m looking at school in TN that have an Animal Sciences and Criminal Justice majors and don’t require freshman to live on campus. The only school is Middle Tennessee State University. I e-mailed the University of Tennessee asking if married freshman need to stay on campus. I’ll wait for an answer. If not, I’m going there. It looks like a nice campus, a nice place and is near Powell which is a nice little area.
But yea…I dunno.
My Best Friend by Tim McGraw
I never had no one
I could count on
Ive been let down so many times
I was tired of hurtin
So tired of searchin
til you walked into my life
It was a feelin
Id never known
And for the first time
I didnt feel alone
Youre more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
I dont know where Id be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
Youre my best friend
Youre my best friend, oh yeah
You stand by me
And you believe in me
Like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy
Youre right there to save me
You make me see how much I have
And I still tremble
When we touch
And oh the look in your eyes
When we make love
Youre more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I dont know where Id be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
Youre my best friend
Youre my best friend
Youre more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I dont know where Id be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
Youre my best friend
Youre my best friend (my best friend)
Youre my best friend (my best friend)
So, I think I may have changed my mind on the college stuff since it seems to be required for ACOs now adays. I want a college in KS or TN, but any suggestions in the midwest/west are open. I need to major in Criminal Justice and Animal Sciences (I plan to double major).
Current Mood:
Playful
Just a little update as I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been busy, both at work, and with everything else. I got the dent out of my Jeep. It looks great now, just needs painted. Installed a new steering box which was hell. Put it in, didn’t fit so I took it back out, made some modification (the screw holes were cross threaded on the actual box) and put it back in the next day. I installed a steering box into my Jeep three times in two days. The paint on the new box was a bitch too. I painted it, didn’t like it, tried to repaint it, ruined the first job, stripped it, and painted it again. I’m gonna try to get some recent pics of da Jeep up. My buddy took my Zune as a joke, I called the cops.  That sucked. Aside from that, work is going good for once. I switched my Cell phone over to T-Mobile and got a sidekick so I can talk to Lucian more.  Me and Lucian have been fighting about where we are gonna try to live. I’m worried about money and what we can afford, but she’s got her heart set on being away from cities in the country in a land locked state. I don’t mind, but I’m just worried about making money and supporting her and a family. I’m sure we’ll work it out eventually. Anyhow, I’ll update more later. I got lots more to do. Life is always busy these days.
UGH! I SO SICK OF IT! College this, college that. We want you to go here. You should consider here. UGH!
I don’t WANT to go to college
What I want to do doesn’t require college.
And if I do go to college, I don’t want ivy league.
I have begun to put all my writing on furaffinity, leaving my site to just, bleh. It’s so much easier to throw them up at FA so here they are.
 http://furaffinity.net/user/rainbowwars