Lucian And Darkki

Hello Hun, it’s 1:30 AM my time and I’m lying in bed. I can’t sleep
at all, I just keep thinking about you. I cried the minute they
turned the light out in the room. I haven’t been trying to go to
sleep lately. It’s been the whole, “I can’t stay awake anymore” thing
for the past couple days. Now laying here, in a real bed, all I can
do is think of you. Everytime I lay down my arms keep trying to wrap
themselves around you and pull you close, but you aren’t there. I
guess it never really hit me till now how much of an ass I’ve been. I
feel so shitty cause I think I made it sound like I was doing great,
like it was easy for me being away from you. It’s not easy, it’s not
easy at all. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
That’s the truth hun. I kept your sunglasses on me from the time I
left my house till I got into Iraq, and right now they are laying
beside my pillow. I’m gonna send them to you in the mail so you have
them, along with my dog tags. I told them I lost them so they will
make me new ones. I want you to wear them hun, like I wear your ring
on mine. I miss you so much hun, I didn’t think this kinda pain could
exist. I know it’s even worse for you, I know your strong, you amaze
me with your strength hun. Being able to hold on to me through this,
to hold me up. I can call you anytime, and I know you’ll answer your
phone. I wish it could be the same, but instead you have to worry
till I talk to you again. I really am gonna try hard to get my cell
so you can call me. I want you to be able to reach me if your ever
really worried or need me hun, specially if somethings upset you. I
know Addy is always there for you, but it makes me jealus sometimes,
because that used to be me, four or five years ago. I realize I can’t
fill that roll right now. You used to hold me up back then too, it
seemed like we took turns picking each other up off the ground. You
meant so much to me back then, and it’s only grown. I wanted to be
your mate so bad back when I was younger. Then for a while, it seemed
like we had grown so far apart, we had our ruff spots then. Weeks
would go by and we might exchange only a few words. Then I came and
visisted. You took me in the front seat of that Jeep next to your
mall. I remember, I kept telling you I couldn’t, that you were to
young. You told me it didn’t matter, and if I really loved you and
wanted you then it was okay. I’m so glad you did, I’m so glad you
pushed past my little outer shell and really got to me. You took a
hold of me, god, I had never felt anything like that. Everytime I do
something sexaul with you, it’s a one time experience. It feels
totally different than it does with anyone else. I remember when I
held you, that first time in the Jeep. You told me no one had ever
really held you like that. I never wanted to let go of you right that
instant. You let me slide my hand down, you told me it was okay to
put my finger inside of you. I had never felt so alive, my entire
life felt like it changed at that moment. You made those sounds for
me, those sounds that are so special to me now. That’s why I get so
worked up about you and other people. Those sounds themselves are so
special to me. It hurts me so much to think of you making them for
someone else. Even Addy, but I realize that he is special to you, and
I respect that. I’ll be honest, I don’t like the idea of you having
sex with him, but I let that one slide without bashing you about it
because of how special he is to you, plus you allowing me to be there
makes it a lot easier on me. I don’t wanna get off on a tangent about
that whole thing. I wanna keep going. Keep going to the nights at my
grandparents. On the phone with you all night, talking about
everything, and then you asked me, if I would be your mate. God I was
so scared at that moment, I didn’t know what to say. Your age popped
back in my head, it did bother me, a lot. It doesn’t bother me
anymore. You faught me, you pushed the issue. I was worried about
your age, about your sex change, about me being in the army, about
deploying, about so many things. You told me it was alright, that you
loved me. You told me that a couple times and I gave in. Again you
knew what I wanted more than I was willing to admit even to myself.
You called me later that night, we talked for hours, into the morning,
almost 7 AM if I remember correctly. You told me things that you had
never told anyone. I remember, you and me both masturbating on the
phone. Listening to you breath like that, it made everything so
different when I touched myself. I wanted to make you like that, I
wanted you. I got that chance to again, I wish I could remember the
exact date. I’ve never been to good with remembering dates. One date
I do remember is the 23rd of December. You and me went out to the
mall, or so we said. We really did go there, but then where else.
Behind the Caldor’s? We turned off those lights and I got so scared.
I always felt ugly being undressed. A blow job or a hand job maybe,
I’m still partly dressed, but now I was taking my pants almost all the
way off, and the light was on, you could see me clearly. I was so
worried you wouldn’t find me attractive. You, you were so beautiful.
You took me for a hell of a ride that night. You gave me something
you can never give to anyone else. You rocked my world, you made me
feel like I was so special and you yourself, you felt like something
different than anything I had ever had before in my life. I wish I
could have made it better for you, a nice room someplace, warm soft
blankets. I don’t think you would have cared. You made it apparent
you wanted to give it to me, and you were determined to, even if it
was in the front seat of a jeep behind a closed grocery store. I
never felt so amazing in my entire life until that instant. It hasn’t
changed a bit, everytime you and me get going like that, it feels just
like it did in the front seat of the jeep. Just as amazing. I
remember you lifted someone who didn’t think shit of themselves and
made them feel so important. You told me I was hot, I was sexy. No
one else really told me stuff like that. I remember going back to
Riley after that, you and me talked almost every night on the phone.
Constantly chatting away. Then we found out I was deploying. We
decided we wanted to be together one more time before I deployed. So
I put in all the paperwork, but it didn’t look like they would let me
go. Then at the last minute, somehow, through some miracle they said
it was approved. I flew out to you, and I spent the whole weekend
with you, it was wonderful. From the instant you ment me at the
airport. We jumped into that car, and you snuggled up to me. I
wasn’t sure what your step dad would think of us all snuggled up in
that car, but it didn’t matter, it felt so good to have you touching
me, and against me. I still can’t believe your mother actaully let us
borrow that same car. I remember watching you fall asleep in your
bed, and one night I loved you to the other room, and layed you there.
You were angry, you said I should left you in your bed by my side.
The next night I moved, and you wanted to kick my ass that morning. I
regret it now, I really wish I had held on to you all night. Watching
you wake up and storm in there and snuggle up to me though hun. It
was funny to me, and at the same time, it was so wonderful. We had
fun bowling. I felt kinda bad cause it was your mother’s car, but I
guess we are even since it was my dad’s truck. You took me inside you
in that car, we must have listened to that CD all the way through and
then some. We finished and I looked at you, I remember I snapped a
photo, I still have it. I loved you so much. I wanted to take that
photo with me to look at now and then. I don’t really find porn to be
attractive these days. The only thing that ever really gets to me is
thinking about you. I remember the airport, you crying on me. I felt
so horrible. Nothing in my life had ever hurt me more than seeing you
sad, and specially knowing I was the cause. I held you, I let you cry
on me. I didn’t want to leave you then, I wanted to hold you, to make
you stop crying. Seeing you cry is the most painful thing in the
world to me. That was us before this whole thing started. I’ve been
reading through some of the saved conversations from before I left.
Somethings have changes so much. I’m glad our love is still strong
today. I wish I could send you these. I wish you could read them and
see all this stuff. I remember when you yelled at me for drinking one
night, and then turned around and told me you were sorry cause you
were drinking.

January 3rd - (14:40:41) Ha No Koushoku: I keep finding new bruises.
It’s kinda funny
(14:40:57) Ha No Koushoku: Especially cause some…I really wanna know
HOW I got

January 21st - (21:29:26) Darkki: *wraps his arms around the love of
his life and snuggles happily*

January 29th - (22:03:38) Darkki: they lost my luggage
(22:03:43) Darkki: go airport
(22:03:49) Ha no Koushoku: DID THEY
(22:03:51) Ha no Koushoku: Oh those fuckers
(22:04:03) Ha no Koushoku: D<
(22:04:05) Darkki: I knew leaving you was a BAD idea
(22:04:19) Darkki: everything is goin’ wrong now
(22:04:21) Ha no Koushoku: I still wanna know how they can LOSE luggage

December 26th - (16:19:25) Ha No Koushoku <AUTO-REPLY>: I am sick of
this already. I try to make myself happy and everyone decides
1) I am a slut
2) I am with him for some quick dick.
3) I am gonna kick him when he goes to Iraq
4) Some other fuckin’ retarded reason.

I LOVE HIM PEOPLE! OKAY?!?!? END OF BLOODY FUCKIN’ STORY! I AM SICK OF
YOU PEOPLE MAKING ME LOOK LIKE SHIT WHEN YA CAN BARELY COMPREHEND WHAT
I FEEL FOR HIM.

January 15th - (15:34:07) Ha no Koushoku: Like that question on that site…
(15:34:21) Ha no Koushoku: “I get an erection everytime I see my mom.
Is that normal?”
(15:34:31) Darkki: lol
(15:34:34) Darkki: well son, yes it is
(15:34:42) Darkki: after all, you had your penis in her once already right

December 28th - (16:47:36) Darkki: I BOUGHT A THONG
(16:47:42) Ha No Koushoku: So? *gigglegiggle*
(16:47:54) Darkki: I’m a Pernicious
(16:48:16) Darkki: they don’t wear thongs

January 3rd - (19:14:28) Darkki: cause I suck at intercourse
(19:15:03) Ha No Koushoku: You do not!!
(19:15:34) Darkki: and because I took that from you in a jeep behind
an abondened store
(19:15:36) Darkki: I feel bad
(19:15:44) Darkki: I wish I could have made it something more special for you
(19:16:36) Ha No Koushoku: Hun…I dun care where it was.
(19:16:45) Ha No Koushoku: I gave it to you, and I was with you..

January 14th - (11:57:28) Darkki: caution filling will be hot ;-P
(11:58:14) Ha no Koushoku: Will it burn my mouth?
It’ll destroy it
(11:58:27) Darkki: this thing is good
(11:58:32) Darkki: BREAKFAST HOT POCKET
(11:59:00) Ha no Koushoku: Oh god…
(11:59:07) Ha no Koushoku: Hot pocket for breakfast
(11:59:11) Ha no Koushoku: hot pocket for lunch
(11:59:17) Ha no Koushoku: BE DEAD BY DINNER
(11:59:26) Darkki: *dies*
(12:00:59) Ha no Koushoku: D:
(12:01:08) Ha no Koushoku: *revives with mouth-to-mouth with tongue*

I really love you so much hun. I really do. I realize we have both
changed, and that we are still changing. A lot of the change is my
part, because I’m over here. I hope that one I come back I can slowly
but surely become exactly who I was before, with your help. You’ve
been the biggest force in my life for so many years. Even when others
gave up on me, you still held on to me. I can never thank you enough,
nor can I ever give you what you deserve for everything that you’ve
done. I can promise you my love, for the rest of your life. No
matter your age, sex, or anything else. I waited for so long to get
my chance to be with you, and now, I know it was all worth it. I used
to regret so many things, but now I realize that it’s no use to regret
them, because then I wouldn’t be with you the way I am today. I could
never ask for anything more. I know these ten months are gonna suck,
and I’ll do anything I can to make them easier for you. Just let me
know hun. I hope that you can stay loyal to me. I understand if you
can’t, please try though. Being able to touch those parts of your
body that no one else can means a lot to me hun. Just like I’m sure
being able to touch me means a lot to you. You told me you could
never think of me with anyone else, and I’m the same way towards you.
I promise no matter what, I’ll never let anyone else have this body
while I’m with you. It’s yours. I want you to know how scared I am
still that I might lose you over here. After that whole thing before,
I’m scared that if that happened in those 5 months, what could happen
in the remaining 10 months. It’s pretty much twice as long, and I’m
really scared hun. I know you say you’ll stay with me, but I’m afraid
that we’ll start to drift apart. I realize now that us drifting was
both our faults, no matter how much physical distance is between us,
the only thing that ever comes between you and me is what we allow to
do so. If you ever feel like we are drifting apart, tell me, tell me
that instant, let me know. I want you to be the one to hold me when I
come back to the states, I want my home to be waiting for me when I
step back on that ground. You are my home hun, you are where my heart
lives. I may be over here, but my heart is still right there in you.
Well I have to get up in 2 hours, maybe now I might try to get some
sleep. I love you so much hun, more than the world could ever
understand.